Will the 'Real Me' please stand up? How coaching can lead you to your true heart

A stiff upper lip. Or to put it another way “suck it up” is one of the best practices I was taught when growing up. Unfortunately, it is one that I unknowingly tried to share with my son. I hope he is smarter than me and learnt that ignoring something does not make it better, nor does it go away. This “Denial” tactic is not one to have mastered. 

“Keep calm and carry on” is something I have prided myself on being able to do. I have been told by many friends and colleagues over the years that I can remain calm amid a storm. It is only very recently that I have begun to understand the price I pay for being able to be calm. I have denied myself the privilege of expressing emotions. “Not now…. Not today…” I keep telling myself. Today I need to “not feel” and just focus on “doing what needs to be done”. I have done such a wonderful job of staying in my head and focusing on the logical thing to do, I have lost touch with my heart. 

“How are you feeling Nikhil?” “All good thanks…” is the standard response. As I go through a week, there are flares of anger or jealousy that escape when I am not paying attention. Sometimes I soften and allow myself to get a glimpse of the nicer emotions. Most often I catch them in time and shut them all down. Denial works well for me. Or maybe it does not. 

What is asking to be understood? I look away from that question. It’s too difficult to confront right now. “Maybe later,” I tell myself. And with that denial, I double-click on the side of me that does not allow emotion to surface. Not only do I shut down the difficult ones, I close the door on them all and the good ones get left out in the cold as well. 

Distraction is a good friend. Busyness is a good place to go to when I want to avoid myself. Back-to-back meetings and a packed social calendar are good ways to fill up my time so that I don’t have to look in the mirror. 

What do I want? Who do I want to be? How do I want to be? Where do I want to be? These kinds of questions I will answer someday when I have the luxury of time. Till then I have many roles to play. The concerned boss. The supportive husband. A nice colleague. The good Dad, brother, and son. So many Me’s that need to show up. 

It is only very recently, courtesy of my work with and as a coach, that I got a glimpse of myself. The original me. The real me. Someone who I had lost sight of. Maybe never really seen before. I am glad to report that I like what I see. And even the parts that I am not that happy with, I am making friends with them too. Week by week, day by day I am finding my way back to who I always was and will be. 

Allowing and accepting. I am allowing myself to emerge from the shadows. I am more accepting of my flaws. Kinder and more compassionate to myself. Allowing what needs to emerge to emerge and accepting that it will be good for me and those around me. Feeling my way into the future…

Nikhil Dey is a certified ICF coach and founder of soul2solecoaching. He is the first recipient of the ICF India coaching excellence rising star award.